Memories Never Die
by Necrophiled
Summary: Shizuo finally has a peaceful and somewhat normal life. But what price has he paid for said peace and how long will it last? As far as he's concerned, he has always had it without consequence, however his memories may yet prove him wrong.
1. Dreams aren't real

**_Heeheee, my second ever story on fanfic. Or maybe my first since the other one was just a preview... whatever. _**

**_Anyways, sorry for the longish wait. What, it's been like two weeks now? _**

**_Okay, forget that. This is another story I've been working on. I finally think it's somewhat presentable so I'm just gonna publish it and see what people think. I'm almost ready to publish the first chapter for my other fic, too. It'll be up either later tonight or sometime tomorrow ˆ¬ˆ _**

**_Anyhow, thanks for the reviews I got for my last fic! Some of them made me squirm in my seat and smile... And there were only four... Actually, all of them made me do that, hahaah. BUT BUT BUUUT, I LIKE, STARTED HYPERVENTILATING WHEN I SAW DEXTRIS REVIEWED MY STORY. Oh my, I sound like quite the creeper. Haha, go read her stories. They're great. On a side note, I LOVE YOU ALL, REVIEWERS. I should start reviewing stories, it makes the author feel so omnipotent! But I always feel like my reviews are crap, haha. _**

**_So, I hope this story makes at least a little sense and gains lotsa love. _**

_**Reviews'll make me write faster... and, y'know the faster I write the faster you get smut, heheh.**_

**_Ahahahahahahaaaaaa, enough about me. You guys are here for stories, not teenage drama~ _** =3=;;;;**__**

**_Enjoy~_**

**_(Warning, each time a person reads yet doesn't review, a kitty is hit with a flying vending machine. They die 50% of the time.) ;_; (SO SAAAAD! You should review. -evil laughter-)_**

**_DISCLAIMER: DRRR! AND IT'S CHARRIES DO NOT BELONG TO ME. AND I'M FINE WITH THAT._**

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><p>It wasn't his fault. He chanted this over and over to himself. Shizu-chan wasn't dead… He was just sleeping…. Sleeping. Izaya sighed in defeat. It wasn't worth it anymore. His pride didn't matter to a dead man. Hell, it didn't even matter to himself at the time being. So he let it all out. All the tension, the broken dreams, crushed hopes, false emotions, all the pain, sorrow and love… It all flooded out of him in the form of tears. Warm, empty tears that stung his burning cheeks. Licking them off of his lips, he sobbed. They tasted of nothing. All of his most precious emotions were sealed within the drops of liquid, yet they tasted so bland… so empty.<p>

_Everything is empty without __**him,**_that silly little voice inside his mind stated.

Izaya sobbed as if it was all he could do. He could forget all this pain. He just had to let the emotions fall, crash around him and onto the pale face of the blonde, which was lying gently on his lap.

"Shizu-chan… Did you know that I meant what I said? I really do hate you. You hurt me so much. I gave you all my love and you continued on with your life as if it didn't even matter. Haha, how could I not hate you for that, Shizu-chan?" Izaya smiled through his tears. He smiled at the blonde's beautiful sleeping face. If only he could look this beautiful forever. However, he was only sleeping. 'He's only sleeping.' Izaya chanted over and over to himself.

"He'll take this away from me too. Just you wait and see. This animal will wake up and ruin everything. He'll replace that peaceful expression with and angry face and ruin my lovely view. I know he will… He ruins everything"

Izaya was barely aware of his own tears anymore. They seemed so natural. As if they had always been streaking down his face. As if it was as natural to cry as it was to breath.

"I'm not crying for the likes of you, Shizu-chan… So stop smiling, will you. I'm crying for myself, for my own pain. I could never care about a monster and I could certainly never cry for one," Izaya whispered to the sleeping blonde whose head was resting in his lap.

"Don't lie to yourself," The monster whispered, taking Izaya's cheek into the palm of his warm, caring hand. "I died and that hurt you. But you aren't crying out of sorrow. You're just upset you weren't the one to kill me, aren't you? And even if that wasn't true, and you were crying for yourself, you'd still be lying"

"How so, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked smirking, nudging the aching of his heart out of his mind if only temporarily.

"You'd still be crying for a monster."

Izaya's lip trembled. He didn't respond to that for fear of his voice cracking up. Maybe he wouldn't even be able to speak. Maybe all that he'd manage at this point was a strangled whimper. Izaya couldn't throw away his dignity like that. However, staring into the eyes of his much-hated love, the raven-haired man realized that it would be a sin for him to not respond to those honey-coloured eyes that were oh so deviously pleading the informant to continue the meaningless conversation. So Izaya choked something out: a strangled whimper. He whimpered and crumbled into a mess, hunching over the dead man, his tears empty soaking the other man's perfect face.

"Why?" Izaya asked through unsure lips.

"Why what, flea?" Shizuo asked, propping himself up on his elbows, inches way from the beautiful man's lips before licking away the tears that poured down from those scarlet eyes in abundance, akin to a waterfall.

"Why Shizu-chan, you know full well what I mean! Why have you ceased to exist! Why have you died! Why can't you give in to me, be **mine**! Why can't you be mine, you selfish brute," Izaya screamed through sobs. He wasn't ready… He wasn't ready to hear the truth. Not again. If it hurt so much the first time, why did he want to hear it again? Did he withdraw some sort of sick masochistic pleasure from this? Did he enjoy knowing the beauty before him could never belong… Belong to him. Did he enjoy knowing **his** Shizu-chan would never come back?

Shizuo smiled sadly, shifting himself so he was gently caressing Izaya's snivelling form in his strong, protective grasp. "Because you didn't see me that way… You never saw me as I am. You never let your heart win. You never saw me as yours, so I wasn't. It's only natural that without my reason for living, I should disappear. Or, as you would say, that I should "Evolve". I've evolved into someone who doesn't need you as they once did for my own protection. You can't hurt me if I don't love you." Shizuo chuckled sadly to himself, stroking the raven-haired man's back. Izaya shuddered. The way Shizuo put things made him. He couldn't help it. The blond had said that without his reason for living he should disappear, but what those words really meant was clear to both men. So clear, that to Izaya, those words were never spoken. What the fortissimo of Ikebukuro had really said was the following:

_It's only natural that without you, Izaya, I should disappear._

"I can't help but wonder, will you miss me, Izaya? Do you miss me? Have you missed me?"

Izaya felt something pang at his chest. He felt as though he was being destroyed from the inside out. All of his walls were crumbling beneath him. Everything within his very soul was disintegrating along with his conscious connection to this brute.

"No!" He screamed, fresh tears racing down his face anew. "I won't miss you, stupid protozoan! After all, why should I? You're only sleeping. Sleeping! You'll wake up soon enough, you fucking Neanderthal! You'll come back to me! Just wait and see, Shizu-chan! And even if you don't, why on earth would I miss an animal like you? Honestly, I know I claim to love the whole human race, but you just don't qualify!" By now Izaya was laughing hysterically if not maniacally, eyes still overflowing with tears.

"Izaya, I'm gone. I can't judge you anymore. I can't hurt you anymore than I already have. You don't need to be afraid. Let it all out. All of your love, hate, passion, lust, denial, fear… Let it all out and become either shrivelled and empty or once again whole… Your choice," he added with a smile.

That said, Shizuo crashed his lips against those of the emotional train-wreck before him.

Izaya felt those sweet lips upon his and couldn't help but open his mouth for more, desperately craving the bittersweet taste of this monster. He brushed his tongue against Shizuo's bottom lip, a subtle and seductive hint. The beast opened his mouth without hesitation, allowing Izaya entrance into the comforting and wet cave that tasted of cigarette ashes and Shizuo. The blonde's mouth hurt Izaya so much when it gave birth to hurtful words, yet that could easily be forgotten and forgiven as Izaya engulfed himself in the heavenly warmth it provided. Izaya mewled into the kiss, holding back tears. He loved this man, so why couldn't his love be returned? Deep down he knew that it was his fault this man had died. It was his fault they could never be. But he refused to believe it, for he was a coward. Yes, Izaya Orihara is a coward, said man thought to himself, deepening the kiss. He just didn't want to get hurt anymore. He didn't want to lose this… This was all he had. He was absolutely not going to let Shizuo slip from his grasp, forever out of reach.

Shizuo pulled away from the passionate kiss. Izaya in turn stared back at him with a wanton, lust-filled gaze. The former-bartender looked into the informant's red, pleading orbs with cold, piercing, yet caring eyes before slapping his partner across the face. Hard.

"Don't you dare be so weak, Izaya! Trying to hide from your fears, masking love with desire and desire with lust! Running away from everything you want! Everything you need!"

"S-Shizuo-" Izaya was interrupted by another loud smack. His cheek burned red and the sound of harsh contact of skin against skin resonated in the alleyway.

"Don't give me that! All I've ever wanted was love! I'd do anything for it! Anything! And here you are. You had love! You loved a man and he felt the same for you! But what did you do? You ran away! You ran far, far away from your feelings, Izaya! And when you finally decided to admit to not hating Shizuo, it was too fucking late! COWARD!"

_Slap._

"WIMP!"

_Slap._

"DON'T YOU DARE BE SO WEAK, IZAYA! I MAY HAVE BEEN PATHETIC, RUNNING AWAY FROM AFFECTION, FEARING I'D DO NOTHING BUT HARM THOSE I LOVED! BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THAT! YOU AREN'T ME! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, IZAYA! I KNOW YOU ARE!" The blond beast bellowed.

"Shizu-"

_SLAP._

"Let it all out, Izaya. Let go of your fears and your pain. Forget it all and live with me, in this moment. For this one moment, drop all your masks and be at peace with me. Scream. Scream and show the universe that you have had enough." Shizuo said, sad eyes glimmering with emotion.

"Sh-"

_SLAP._

"FUCKIT, SHIZUO!" Izaya screamed, slapping the man dressed as a bartender across the face. Shizuo merely smiled stupidly at him.

"It hurt! It hurt so damn much to have you so close yet so far! Even now, my heart burns! It's so hard, Shizu-chan! It's so hard to hide behind all these masks and never let out how you feel! It hurts me Shizuo! It hurts so damn bad! Can your protozoan mind process that!" Izaya sobbed.

"Then let it all out. Shed your tears and be proud… proud that you are strong enough to fight this, proud that you don't need masks to survive in this hectic world. Proud that you're who you are and no one can take that from you. Proud that you no longer need to hide… proud that you're mine." Shizuo whispered into Izaya's ear.

Izaya screamed, fresh tears melting from his ice glazed heart and pouring down his face. He arched his back and screamed up at the heavens in agony. He screamed as loud as his lungs would allow and when he no longer had any air to expel from his physical being, he continued to scream, instead letting out his buried emotions. Everything he had ever felt was now out in the open. He cried harder, arching his back further and throwing his head back as far as it would go, smiling.

"Izaya…" Said man opened his ears, having his full attention on that smooth and silk-like voice.

"You've let out all your feelings through crying. You've opened yourself up. You've given me a deeper connection with your raw spirit, Izaya. I can feel your heart and the pain that tears it apart… Now I want to allow your tears to give you something in return. Cry and know that I love you. Cry, open yourself up and receive my love." Shizuo breathed huskily, lovingly.

"SHIZUO!" Izaya screamed, pulling the blonde into a tight embrace. "I love you so much! I LOVE YOU!" He screamed, crying. Slowly, his tears transformed. No longer were they empty. No longer were they tears containing only the bitter and pessimistic side of his being. They turned to tears of joy. Smiling, he cried harder than ever before, hugging the blonde.

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" Izaya screamed between sobs, smiling. Finally, Izaya felt completion. He felt whole for the first time in three long months.

"Will you ever wake up...?" Izaya whispered into his lover's ear, digging his nails into the man's strong back whilst crying for all he was worth.

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><p>"Gah…" Shizuo grunted, waking up. He lazily rubbed his eyes, stretching and twisting his back so he was lying face up on the bed. Blinking, the artificial blonde found himself looking at a plain, white ceiling.<p>

Closing his eyes once again, he let out a deep breath. The sun that caressed his upper torso indicated that it wasn't too early in the morning. But Shizuo's mind was still drowsy and wasn't yet vigilant enough to notice little details such as a little patch of sunshine idly warming his chest.

_Oh, yeah… I had a dream, didn't I? _Shizuo thought to himself as best he could in his lethargic state. The blonde unconsciously smiled, repositioning himself on the soft mattress as memories of his dream slowly invaded his memory.

_Ah… he was in it, wasn't he?_

… _Why was he crying?_

Shizuo sighed, smiling sadly.

_Tears don't suit you at all. You shouldn't be crying, you just… Shouldn't be._

He had no idea why, but the blonde absolutely loathed the way tears streamed down the raven-haired man's cheeks in his dreams. Hell, he didn't even know who this man was, but… There was something about him… It was scary, really. Almost like déjà vu. Shizuo saw this man so often in his dreams; it was as if they knew each other. The blonde felt a deep connection to this person who didn't even exist as far as he knew.

Shizuo hefted himself off of his bed, deciding a nice, hot shower would be a pleasant way to start his weekend. Mentally telling himself not to fall asleep in his clothing each night as he shed said fabric prematurely, he casually made his way to the bathroom. Entering the small space, his feet made soft sounds against the chilly, pearl-white tile flooring. The sound of water splashing against the bottom of the bathtub greeted his ears before he pulled the little piece of metal that activated the shower nob. Without giving it much thought, Shizuo put one foot inside the tub, followed by another. A shiver ran up his spine as the blonde was greeted with cold water upon entering the shower. His eyes became comically wide as he shrieked and hastily made his way out of the reach of that ice-cold liquid.

"Shit…" Shizuo mumbled, making his way out of the bathroom in a white tee and shorts he found lying around while messily drying his hair with a towel.

"Haha, what on earth happened to you?"

Feeling himself relax some, Shizuo remembered he had crashed at Shinra's place the previous night. "So you're the one who used up all the hot water…"

Shinra just smiled dumbly. "It's not my fault, Shizuo~! Celty lured me in there, the temptation was too much!" he wailed, moving his arms around dramatically.

"I don't even wanna hear it," the blonde stated, struggling to get excess water out of his ears.

"Oh, you have a point there! I wouldn't want you falling for her too!"

Shizuo just snorted.

"Besides, you should've known I'd take a shower in the morning. Furthermore, why didn't you just check the water's temperature with your hand before getting in? That's what most people would do."

"I didn't think about it. I didn't even know I was at your apartment until just now. I've stayed here so long in the past few months, it's almost like my own house in a way," Shizuo said nonchalantly.

Shinra smiled, checking the time on his phone. "Ahh, I have to get going. I have some work to do," the underground doctor said, putting his lab coat on. "But I'll be back soon! Tell Celty not to miss me too much while I'm gone, okay?"

The blonde was barely even listening anymore. This man just went on and on, didn't he?

"Bye, Shizuo," Shinra chimed, stuffing a few final things into his brief case before making his way out the door.

Shizuo just shrugged, throwing the towel he had been using over his shoulders, absent-mindedly making his way towards the kitchen. In all honesty, he was a little relieved to have woken up just as Shinra was leaving. He didn't have anything against the brunet; he was just a bit much to deal with first thing in the morning. Shizuo sighed once again, his thoughts drifting to the images of the black-haired man from his dreams. This guy had to be at least a little real… He felt like so much more than a figment of Shizuo's imagination.

Suddenly, the bonde brightened up. Maybe he wasn't just a dream! Or, in other words, maybe this man was real! Shizuo felt himself become somewhat fidgety at the thought. He had lost his memory in an accident a few months back, hadn't he? Maybe he knew this person before. Mood taking a drastic turn for the best, Shizuo entered the dining room where he found Celty sitting at the table.

The headless woman turned towards him, before grabbing her PDA and typing something down. 'Good morning, Shizuo! How are you?'

The blonde bent down to read what she wrote, then decided it would be easier to just sit next to her. Running his fingers threw his hair, Shizuo wondered how he should answer her question and casually bring up the man from his dreams in the same conversation.

"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking," he said sincerely.

'Ah, I'm glad to hear it. Do you have anything planned for today?'

"Actually," Shizuo started, scratching the back of his head, "I was wondering if you could help me out."

Celty straitened her back and turned so that if she had a head, it would be looking at the man beside her. 'What do you need help with?'

"Well, there's this man that I've been seeing in my dreams… pretty much ever since I woke up from my coma," Shizuo started. "I know this sounds silly since I've been reintroduced to everyone who was close to me, but I think I may have known him… before…" By now Shizuo was twiddling his thumbs and looking at his feet. He briefly wondered why it was so hard to talk about stuff like this before the sound of Celty's fingers tapping against the keyboard of her phone interrupted his thoughts.

'What did he look like?' The fairy asked, curious as to whom her friend was talking of.

"Uh… He had black hair and… almost reddish eyes," Shizuo muttered, wrinkling his nose, trying to squeeze every detail of the mystery man's physical appearance out of his memory.

"He was pretty scrawny. I think his skin was kinda pale too. And he was wearing… a coat, I think? Whatever it was, it was black and trimmed with feathers or something. No, wait… maybe it was fur…" Shizuo frowned. He saw it all so clearly just minutes ago! How come the image got all blurry the second he tried to describe it?

"Arg, memories are annoying. Never making any sense…" he complained, half surprised to hear himself refer to his dreams as memories.

"Yeah, it was fur," he decided, resting his head in his hand.

Celty was inwardly panicking, trying not to let it show which was pretty easy considering her lacking a head and all. Shizuo couldn't be talking of him… well… actually, he could. After all, they were mortal enemies, but… She had hoped that Shizuo could keep up his peaceful life if only a little longer. It was all the blonde had ever wanted and it was finally his! Maybe she could just shrug this off and say she doesn't know him… but if he found out she was lying…

'Shizuo, please don't get mad,' she typed hesitantly.

"The hell would I get mad?" The blonde asked, confused.

'Look, I just think it would be best for you to forget about him and move on…'

Reading this, Shizuo's confusion only grew. Move on? What exactly was this man to him? If he even was anything to him, that is. No, he had to have been something to him if Celty was telling him to move on, right? But then, why were they never introduced?

"I don't even know who he is and you're talking about moving on? Look, just tell me what I want to know and stop beating around the bush!"

'I'm not sure if you'll take it well...'

Shizuo's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Celty, less than three months ago I woke up in a hospital bed not remembering anything only to learn that I have superhuman strength, know a chick without a head and have a celebrity brother. And you don't think I'll take something as simple as knowing who this guy is well?" By now Shizuo was growling. Dammit, if things continued the way they were, he was going to lose it. Urging himself to calm, he took a few deep breaths, clenching his fists.

The blonde concluded he had to get some fresh air. He got up from his seat and began walking towards the exit.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back later," he mumbled statically, walking towards the door.


	2. Calming Down

**Wow, moving is tiring. Avoid it as much as possible.**

**Anyways, didn't have much writing time recently. Oh well. Hopefully people will enjoy this chappie. **

**I'm kinda scared I'm rushing things, but whatever. You learn from your mistakes.**

**My other fic should be updated some time soon... At least, I hope it will be ˆ¬ˆ **

**Pfffffff, so... Enjoy!**

**~DRRR! and it's charries do not belong to me~**

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><p>Sunlight comforted Shizuo's skin as he walked down the busy streets of Ikebukuro. The blonde inhaled and exhaled deep breaths, looking towards the blue sky in hopes of soothing his already withering temper. He had been told that said temper had been basically out of his control his whole life, but he couldn't seem to understand how that was even possible now. It's not that he had completely forgotten; if anything he was gaining memories, he just didn't understand what had caused him to snap more than usual the few years prior to the accident. The same few years in particular that he was having the most trouble recalling.<p>

Sure, even now it didn't take much for him to snap and he occasionally ended up damaging something or another, however all it took for him to calm down was a walk around town and some time alone. It was nice, knowing he had overcome an aspect of himself he had been trying to conquer for so long. Shizuo had to say that what pleased him the most was that his anger hadn't caused him to hurt a living creature since he awoke from his trance-like state. After all, one thing never changed: he really hated violence. Luckily, he no longer had to worry about harming others unintentionally. At least for now, he could have some peace, even if just a little.

Feeling his muscles relax as his mind was overcome bit by bit with positive thoughts, Shizuo decided that he would get something for Celty and Shinra while he was out. They had let him stay the night and use their shower. And since he had found his current outfit neatly folded on the bathroom counter after a failed attempt showering, he was guessing Celty had even thoughtfully stopped by his place to pick him up the spare change of clothes the night before.

He smiled to himself. That was too kind of her.

Suddenly overcome by a sense of guilt for storming out after his friends had gone through all that trouble just for him, his urge to get a thank you gift was only increased. But what to get… He had heard of a new pastry shop in Shinjuku that was supposed to be good. The only problem was that Celty couldn't eat. He could always buy her something he found on the way, but what? That was something to ponder.

For now, he'd settle on making his way to the pastry shop and getting Shinra something to munch on. The blonde seemed to vaguely remember Shinra liking sugar cookies. Or maybe that was only when Celty made them… Either way, Shizuo did have a bit of a sweet tooth himself and was exited to try out the goods this new place had. Shinjuku was a bit far, but a walk early in the morning was a small price to pay if he'd be able to appease his craving for sweets and get a little something for his friends in return.

His mood lightened considerably since he had left Shinra's place, Shizuo headed to Shinjuku. Little did he know, the city was much harder to navigate through without a guide, especially so when you were lacking morsels of your memory. Despite his best efforts, the blonde found that he seemed to be helplessly lost within mere minutes of arriving in the neighbouring city.

Shizuo sighed, rubbing his temples. If only he had brought his cell phone. Then he could have used it to call Celty. He didn't' have any change on him either, so pay phones were off-limits. Pay-phones… They didn't cost much, right? Maybe he could look around for some money that had been dropped on the streets and use it to call someone he knew. Then again, he could always just ask for directions.

Shizuo looked around and decided most of the people here seemed to be either shady, cold or busy. He wasn't exactly longing to ask any of them for directions. Maybe he could just walk around until he found some spare change, the pastry shop or a map. Either one would do. Besides, if all else failed he could just take a cab back to Shinra's place and retrieve some cash there. The blonde decided on that and continued his expedition through foreign territory.

An hour and a half later, Shizuo gave up. He admitted to defeat. He was no match for this city and its confusing street signs. Disappointment overcame the blonde as he realized gifts would have to wait until next time. Letting out a deep breath, his earlier enthusiasm diminishing at an alarming rate, Shizuo took a left at the nearest fork road hoping to find his way back to Ikebukuro. What he was not expecting, however, was to find himself right across the street from the bakery he had spent the lot of his day searching for. He read the store name, which was written in black cursive on a sign hanging just above the showcase window. 'Patisserie Paradis'… What language was that? Definitely not Japanese. It didn't seem quite like English… Then again, he had failed that class… Shizuo creased his eyebrows.

Bells chimed as he pushed the glass window door open and an overly cheery woman greeted him. Or at least, overly cheery compared to the business men Shizuo had been surrounded by on the streets.

"Hello, welcome to Patisserie Paradis!"

Shizuo rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh… Thanks," was his awkward reply.

The blonde-haired woman came out from behind the counter, smile still plastered on her face. "Is there anything in particular you're looking for? I'm not sure what a big guy like you would want, but personally I would suggest you try the cinnamon buns; they're absolutely heavenly and pretty cheap!"

Shizuo felt himself freeze and mentally facepalm. Money… He still didn't have that, did he? How could he not have realized he'd need it to get a gift earlier?

"Actually, I left my wallet at home, so-"

"Oh, so you're here for a job?" The girl cut him off, looking pleased.

Shizuo's instant reaction was to deny her assumption, however when the thought really sunk in, he realized that it might actually be a good idea. He still didn't have a job so his brother was paying his rent and he hated to be a burden. On a plus, he liked sweets so he'd most likely enjoy working in a pastry shop.

"Are there any available?" The taller blonde hesitated.

"Well, you can work behind the counter for 700 yen an hour and work your way up from there."

"So like… a cashier?"

"C'est ça, but who knows! Maybe you'll end up working in the kitchen if you're a good worker."

The girl's smile spread to Shizuo's face as he heard that. Baking sweets sounded fun.

"Alright, when do I start?"

"Haha, slow down! I'm going to have to ask my boss about it first."

"Oh," Shizuo mumbled. Grinning sheepishly, an embarrassed flush took over his cheeks, dusting them in a faint shade of pink.

Sensing her customer's disappointment, the blonde girl decided to lighten his mood a bit. "You can work here for the day, though. To see if you like it or not. I'm Joel Beaumanoir, and you?" She asked, holding out her hand.

"Shizuo Heiwajima," he state, shaking her hand.

Four hours later, Shizuo found himself helping the girl lock up the place for the night. Granted, it was only four pm at the moment, but it was a Saturday and people wanted to get home quickly to enjoy their weekend.

Checking the money that was earned earlier that day, Joel turned to Shizuo. "I'm afraid I can't pay you for your help today, but I can let you take a pastry or two back with you as compensation. You were such a big help, after all"

"I couldn't possibly," Shizuo protested, flattered.

"Oh, now don't be like that Heiwajima-san. I can tell you didn't originally come here for a job," she chuckled, taking a paper bag and filling it with a few sorts of cookies, a Danish pastry and an infamous cinnamon bun. She shoved the bag into her blonde friend's hands.

Shizuo looked down at the confectionary-filled bad in his hand and back up at the woman who had given it to him. Flustered, he bowed his head slightly. "Thank you so much, I… I'm very grateful."

"Haha, don't be like that either! You earned it, it'd be a crime for you to leave with nothing after all the help you've given me," she declared, pulling Shizuo into a tight hug.

If Shizuo was flustered before, he didn't want to know what he was now.

"You should be getting home. But feel free to come back Monday, dear. You are very welcome here!" She smiled, releasing the blushing man from her hold.

Oh, right. Celty was probably wondering where he was by now. "Thank you so much, you don't know how much of a help you were," Shizuo said looking down at the sweets in his hand.

"Like I said before, the pleasure was all mine. Now go enjoy your night while it lasts!"

Shizuo said something along the lines of 'you too' before leaving the cute shop and heading back towards Ikebukuro.

He found it much easier to navigate himself this time, which was pleasing. It should only take him ten minutes or so before he would have returned to his hometown. Shizuo looked to his left as he was passing a park. Smiling to himself, he watched kids run around laughing and lovers holding hands. They were all normal people, just like anyone else going through their typical everyday life, Shizuo thought. And maybe that was the beautiful thing about it.

It was nice to know that people all around the world enjoyed the same little pleasures as he did just like it was comforting to know he wasn't the only one who had little problems every now and then. Just thinking of it made him feel less alone.

He closed his eyes, taking in the scent of blooming cherry blossoms in the park.

Opening them, he Caught a glimpse of something in the corner of his eye that made the blonde's smile faded into a look of astonishment.

A black haired man in a fur-trimmed coat of the same shade stood in the very same park as the sakura, eating sushi.

Shizuo stood there in disbelief.

_That couldn't be… H-he couldn't be…_

The blonde had to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Sure, the man wasn't facing Shizuo, but he looked so alike the person from his dreams. This had to be more than a mere coincidence. At least, that's what Shizuo wanted to believe.

Without any hesitation whatsoever, the tall blonde made his way up to the other man. He wasn't going to let this opportunity slip. Standing just inches apart from him, Shizuo hesitated on what to say before deciding on being straightforward.

Taking a deep breath for the umpteenth time that day, Shizuo parted his lips to speak.

"Pardon me, but... have we met before?"

The man seemed to tense upon hearing Shizuo's voice. Mystery-brunet stayed rooted where he stood for a good fifteen seconds before slowly turning around to face the other. Seeing his face, something clicked in Shizuo's mind. He _had _known this man, he _had_ harboured strong feelings for him and he… was pretty attractive. Taken aback by his own thoughts, Shizuo gawked. What he had just mentally stated… made it sound an awful lot like they were lovers. He blushed slightly.

"I'm sorry, but you seem to have mistaken me with another," the man charmingly stated, wearing a coaxing smile. "Now if you don't mind, there is somewhere I need to be," the brunet seemed hasty as he began to walk away, unintentionally setting off subconscious alarms within Shizuo's mind.

"Izaya!"

Before he knew quite what was happening, Shizuo had found himself grabbing the other man's arm and calling out a name that had seemingly randomly hit him.

"I-I know this sounds weird, but don't go. I know you," Shizuo said as a fact, slightly questioning yet confident, "and you're keeping something from me."

Izaya sighed. Even without his memories, this man surely was part animal, judging by his natural instincts. He certainly did not want to deal with him, but the vice grip Shizuo had on Izayas' arm said otherwise.

"How much do you remember?"

"Most things," Shizuo mumbled bluntly.

Izaya rubbed his temples. "Let me clarify. What don't you remember and why does it make you have such an interest in me?"

"I don't remember high school or anything since then," Shizuo rubbed the bottom of his nose, "I remember you… I don't know remember anything about you, but I get the feeling we were close."

Shizuo felt a pang at his heart as Izaya nearly sneered at this.

"Heh, well I guess you could say that," Izaya said in bittersweet tone.

There was an awkward silence between the two. Shizuo stared at Izaya, wishing his memory would return. It must have come back temporarily earlier since he had been able to recall the brunet's name, but it was painfully obvious there were still things he was missing out on.

Izaya was the one to break the silence, gesturing to his arm that was still held captive to Shizuo's hold. "Now if you will excuse me, I have to go."

The blonde complied without question and watched Izaya wander away. Once the raven-haired man was out of his sight, a lump invaded the deepest crevices of Shizuo's chest. He had just let him go without learning anything at all. A thought dawned on him: they may never meet again. The fact startled Shizuo more than he would like to admit. But no matter how much he worried, no matter how much he grieved the raven-haired man's departure, it wouldn't change anything. But still… All that just there… It all seemed so unbelievable. He just happened to run into this man, exchanged a few words and then… And _now, _Shizuo was back where he started: Clueless.

The blonde wasn't one to believe in faith, however he got the feeling they were going to meet again. Heh, it sounded cheesy as hell, but it was the simplest way to describe the former debt collector's gut feeling. He knew they would meet again, because if they didn't, Shizuo felt he would never fully remember who he once was.

Surely the world wasn't cruel enough to deny him his past and his memories. If he never regained his old self… It would be as if that part of him had simply vanished, as if it had died.

Shizuo pushed those pessimistic thoughts aside, knowing they would do him no good and instead smiled to himself, now knowing for sure Izaya was more than a dream as he continued his way back to Shinra's, slightly dazed from his recent encounter.

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><p><strong>Not sure what to do with anon reviews. I guess I'll just reply anyways? Is that a fail? I hope not XD <strong>

**Sayuri: Is this soon enough for you? Heheh;;**

**Amaya: Glad you think so ˆ/ˆ**

**Rara: Bitch please, of course it is! XD**

**H2302: Oh gawd, don't look at my face. I swear to god I'm blushing like a tomato. Thanks tons for all that praise ˆ ˆ**

**AsikIkisa: Haha, maybe it's just my standards. I don't like waiting XD **

**So many lovely questions! I'm not sure exactly when they'll be answered, though -evil laugh- **

**Stalk all ya want~ 5th review ftw! **

**Manic: Daaww, thanks dearie! :")**


	3. Built up stress

**Haha... I'm not sure how good this chappie is, so don't kill me.**

**Also, I wrote it all in about four days... it just takes a while for my motivation to build up.**

**The first chapter got more reviews than the second... Is that a bad thing? XD**

**Hahah, anyways, basically this story may be updated before the week is over if I get a bunch of reviews. It isn't that hard, just type a sentence or two and press a button. It would mean so, so , soooo much to me as somewhat of a noob when it comes to writing. **

**Oh, and my fanfic called Apology... I will be changing its name and description. I haven't given up on it at all, but for the time being it's more of a side-project than anything, so I am very sorry about the utter lack of attention I'm giving it.**

**Anways, hopefully you guys will enjoy this chapter~ **

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><p>"Oh, hey Shizuo. Welcome back," Shinra smiled, waving to his guest.<p>

Shizuo, who was still in somewhat of an aftershock wasn't quite sure how to respond. Fumbling for words, he seemed incapable of actually talking. Luckily for him, Shinra continued the basically one-sided conversation perfectly well himself.

"Celty told me about what happened this morning," a serious expression formed on the doctor's face, "If you really want to know about him, we decided you have the right to know. But I'm warning you, if you learn the truth about this man, your life will never be the same again."

The underground doctor spoke of this man sullenly… _of Izaya_… As if he was a nuisance, an insect that was better off gone. Shinra made it so Izaya seemed to be a bad person. Shizuo didn't like it. He didn't like where this was going at all. It became obvious to him that his friends didn't want him to know about Izaya. It hurt.

Shizuo couldn't do anything about the constriction in his chest; he had found someone who may hold the key to his past, the final piece of the puzzle… And the people he trusted most were pulling him away.

If they were going to portray Izaya as the bad guy, Shizuo stubbornly decided hi didn't want to hear it. They could think what they wanted; Shizuo knew everything had to be more than they thought… It had to be deeper than that.

The blonde smiled weakly, half hoping to depict himself as nonchalant.

"It's okay, Shinra. I don't need to know."

The brunet looked questioning, unknowingly urging his blonde friend to hastily change subjects.

"A-anyways, I got you this." Shizuo handed Shinra the paper bag he had earned earlier on that day.

"A gift? For me? You shouldn't have!"

Shizuo chuckled a little. He was glad the heavy atmosphere was seemingly gone, or at least dissipating.

"It was the least I could do. I mean, you've done so much for me these past few months and… I haven't really been that grateful."

"Shizuo, this was really unnecessary. Haha, that's what friends are for, right?" despite his words, the doctor looked inside the bag and drooled at the sight of the confectionaries it held.

The brunet smiled and dragged Shizuo over to his couch.

"But these do look pretty good," Shinra said taking a bite out of a sugar cookie, "want some?"

"Sure," Shizuo reached a large hand into the bag and pulled out a cookie for himself.

The room was overtaken in a comfortable silence apart from the sounds of munching and chewing accompanied by the occasional swallow.

Having some time to sort out his thoughts, Shizuo found himself wondering why he couldn't remember what he wanted to the most. The memories couldn't have simply vanished, so why wouldn't they come back to him if they were still there?

This was something completely out of Shizuo's realm of knowledge. Even though doctor's spent hours explaining him his condition within the confinement of hospital walls, Shizuo could barely say he so much as got the gist of it.

Besides, it didn't matter as much to him then as it did now. Knowing that his memories would reveal who Izaya was gave them a whole new level of importance.

Shizuo knew he could probably ask Shinra about this, but… Would the doctor be reluctant to tell him? Shizuo had been getting the feeling that there were parts of his past that had been hidden from him. The thought was sinister, something like the plot of a mystery/thriller film. It was for that reason that Shizuo decided the thought didn't matter for now. Even if it was true, these people… Shinra, Celty, Tom, Kasuka… They were very dear to him hand therefore deserved his trust.

Shizuo stuffed what was left of his cookie into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it. After wiping his mouth clean of any crumbs, he broke the silence that had previously invaded the apartment.

"Shinra, I've been thinking… if I still have my memories somewhere in my head, why won't they come back to me?"

Shinra seemed a little shocked at the sudden question but recovered almost instantly.

"Wow, that's quite the question, Shizuo," the doctor exclaimed, " It's also quite complex, so I'll try to answer in a way that's easy to understand. Simply put, there are various ways to lose your memories and regaining them just takes a bit of time in most cases. Sometimes a trauma can make you suffer from selective memory loss and forget only things about a certain individual, place or thing. You lost your memory due to a rather strong impact against the back of your head, so it's most likely that the memories you will have the most trouble recovering are those closest to the timespan in which you head was injured," the underground doctor pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "does that make any sense?

Shizuo creased his eyebrows slightly and nodded to show he had understood. This sure made more sense now than it did a few months ago, but Shinra was pretty vague on how you could regain your memories, which was pretty much all the blonde needed to know. Unsatisfied, Shizuo continued to query the brunet sitting across from him.

"You said it just takes time to regain lost memories, but are there any other ways? Ways for that don't involve sitting around doing nothing apart from waiting?"

Shinra sighed. "I suppose that visiting familiar people and places as well as reproducing physical actions your body recognises would help, but nothing can be certain when it comes to memories. In a nutshell, all you can do is wait."

"But-"

"Shizuo," Shinra put his hand on said man's shoulder. "Your past will come back to you in due time. Stop stressing over all this; it'll do you no good. What your body needs more than ever now is rest. Please, just try to relax."

The doctor's words ticked the blonde off.

" 'In due time', you say? And when exactly is that? In a couple days? A couple weeks? Hey, how about a couple years?"

"Shizu-"

"No, okay? Don't, Shinra. I know you're only trying to be supportive, but you have no idea what I'm going through."

As the brunet's eyes calmed down a little, he looked his friend in the eyes.

"Shizuo, I've been in love with someone missing her memories for twenty years; I think I know more about your situation than you give me credit for."

Shizuo slapped Shinra's hand off of his shoulder.

"NO! NO, you don't! Celty's a dullahan, she has an eternity to retrieve her lost memories! I'm just a human, okay! I DON'T WANT TO LET OPORTUNITIES SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO SOMEONE IS!"

Shizuo panted, regaining his breath and hoping to have made a point. It wasn't out of malice or anger that he had lashed out at his friend, but out of sheer sorrow and desperation. He wanted to understand his own life… He had so many questions that needed to be answered. It was all he could do not to break down here and now.

The blonde bit his bottom lip, holding in tears threatening to escape. It could have just been his impaired vision, but Shinra's eyes seemed to have softened even more than they had previously been. The brunet seemed to be taken aback, exposed to a reality completely different from his own.

It was Shizuo's turn to be taken aback as Shinra pulled him into a friendly embrace.

"I-I'm sorry for not understanding how hard this was for you sooner… But, I still honestly think the best thing you can do right now is try to relax. You might regret not living as who you are now once your memories return."

Shizuo bit his bottom lip. He didn't know if it was the physical affection, the comforting words or all the confusion that had been plaguing him recently, but for the first time since he woke up in the hospital three months back, he cried.

He wasn't sobbing hysterically, in fact, he wasn't even crying out of sadness. The tears that fell from his tired eyes were simply releasing all the pressure that the blonde had been holding over his shoulders. The stress he had suffered was so great Shizuo felt as if he became pounds lighter as each drop of warm, salty liquid escaped his eyes.

Shinra patted the blonde's back awkwardly.

"Hey man… I didn't mean it that way… If you don't want time to take its toll, I can try to help you out… Just please… Don't cry."

Shizuo smiled at how awkward the doctor sounded, pulling himself out of the other's arms and wiping away a few stray tears with the back of his hands.

"No, it's not that at all, I was just… happy that you and Celty are here for me and doing so much to help," Shizuo laughed slightly as a couple more tears rolled down his cheek. "Sorry, I-I didn't mean to cry like that," the tall, sentimental blonde excused himself, wiping away a few fresh tears

Shinra smiled sadly, seemingly out of some sort of innocent guilt.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure things haven't been easy for you."

Shizuo chuckled, taking in a deep breath of air.

"I'm not lying… I don't know what I'd do without you two."

The brunet couldn't help but feel unworthy of all his friend's praise. He did, after all, know quite a bit of the things that Shizuo wanted more than ever to know.

"Haha, I really don't think you need us _that _much," Shinra protested cheerily, scratching the back of his head.

Shizuo smiled, getting up from the couch and making his way over to the door.

"Think what you want, but you guys are practically family to me," the underground doctor seemed pleasantly surprised hearing this, "tell Celty I said hi, and… Enjoy your sweets."

And with that, Shizuo shut the door and headed over to his own apartment, feeling much lighter than he had felt for months.

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><p><strong>TO ALL WHO REVIEWED, I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH I WANT TO CRY! <strong>

**Akemi: Thanks so much for the lovely review. I do enjoy knowing what my readers think of my stories. Suggestions and such are always appreciated as well XD Hopefully this update wan't too late. ˆ ˆ;;**

**Simply Emotional: Awwwwm, thanks so much dear! ; 3 ; That means a lot to me.**


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